Archive for the Satire Category

Dragon Trinity Crash – New Adventure Book, Will Be Working On Stand Alone Setting Book

Posted in Adventure Book, Anime, Dragon Trinity Crash, RPG, Satire, Writing with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2016 by Chall

Before I started writing Seith and Sword , and in between bits of Vanagard, I was plucking away at my 2nd Dragon Trinity Crash adventure book. Well, it turns out that I’ve had enough time to not only finish it; but also update the first one.

Therefore I proudly represent:

Dragon Trinity Crash Adventure Book 1: Call of Cakethulu

 

 

And proudly present:

Dragon Trinity Crash Adventure Book 2: Hamerkop Halfling Blues

 

 

 

As before the covers were drawn by the ever talented Gnaw.

Furthermore, I’ve talked it over with David Hill and have decided to write out Dragon Trinity Crash as a stand alone Fate supplement. Yes, it will still come out with the ADX Anthology, David assures me that this will be released, however, I’d like to give DTC the attention it deserves, in that regard I’ll make my own book.

This book will be a pay what you want release, that way, those who bought the anthology will be able to acquire the PDF without paying anything more. It’ll have a healthy dash of setting information, the full rules, and plenty of sample aspects, stunts and spells. I hope to purchase more art from gNaw, and will put in as much as my wallet and bills will allow.

What’s the timeframe? I don’t know. I’ll be working on this in conjunction with Vanagard, however, Vanagard will get priority. That being said, I’ve impressed myself with the level of work I’ve been able to get done recently, so this may get done soon.

I will keep you all informed.

ADX – Guardians of Steel – Dragon Trinity Crash

Posted in Dragon Trinity Crash, Fantasy, Fate, Fiction, Publishing, Roleplaying Games, RPG, Satire, Writing with tags , , , , , on April 3, 2013 by Chall

As it stands the ADX Kickstarter has raised over $9’000.

We’ve got the main book and also Apotheosis of the Rose, Princess Drive.

Thank you internet for my Utena Evangelion. 😀

If it reaches $10’000 we get Stew Wilson’s Guardians of Steel.

Guardians of Steel

Stew Wilson can deliver. He’s written for White Wolf,  Werewolf the Apocalypse and Werewolf the Forsaken, and is the Author of one of my favorite games Aeternal Legends. Given this I’m looking forward to his Guardians of Steel.

It’s a game where every day people are gifted with guardian frames, special mech suits that are specifically suited for the individual.  If you’re a courier then your frame will move swiftly and with precision.  If you’re a wilderness buff it’ll have stealth. If you’re a a teacher your mech will have access to a vast database of information.

Since my day job is a software tester I imagine my frame would have the ability to spot the terrible, stupid, flaws in my enemies. Muhahahahahaaaaa!

The bad guys in this setting are bad ass. They originate from a nano-plague that takes over machines, makes them technobeasts and drives them to combine to make bigger, tougher, smarter technobeasts. These in turn worship an Elder God.

Play it as a cheesy 80’s cartoon or as a dark adventure of survival.

I’ll probably play both.

Dragon Trinity Crash

We’re still a ways off on this. We need $15’000 to hit the coveted DTC mark buuut it’s only day 12 out of 30, still plenty of time.

To whet your appetite I’m presenting some Dragon Trinity Crash Flash Fiction.

If you haven’t already please investigate the Kickstarter and back.

*****

The hooded stranger sat in the darkest corner of the common room. His glinting eyes watched the patrons as he puffed on his long pipe, seeking those who, out of the milling patrons, could complete his quest.

A young waitress, a doe of a girl really, advanced towards him. He nodded at her kindly, as mysterious as he was she had nothing to fear. . .

She walked past him and immediately opened the shudders. Sunlight streamed through, he screamed “Aaah! My eyes!” and fell out of his chair. The stranger stumbled out the front door and promptly fell off the porch.

“What’s his beef?” asked a Half-Elven woman dressed in blue and gold armor.

“Don’t mind him Dejana. He’s some old kook whose been bothering the guests about the Hunt.” Said Sasha, with a scolding glare aimed squarely at crumpled geezer.

*****

“. . . In short, Baron Von Warner must suffer.” concluded the squeaky voice.

Before Dejana were a dozen intense looking Gnomes. The chief held in his upright palm a sizable purse filled with rubies.

The sorceress eyed the prize with restrained greed. “Just like that? You’re not going to haggle?”

The Gnome replied with an even shake of his head. “No Lass. All the other adventures are going after the Hunt. You’re our last, best shot.”

The Half-Elf rolled her eyes. “That again. I’m no idiot, the leading cause of sorcerer death is taking jobs from random hobos.”

“To be honest we’re random Gnomes.”

“True, but the Inn vouches for you and,” she snatched the purse. “You’re no hobos. When do we start?”

*****

THUNDER LANCE!”

Dejana released her power with a flash and boom. Baron Von Warner flew back, smoke curling from the seams in his armor.

She stood over him, glaring fiercely.

“Y-yes?” asked the Baron with a trembling, weak, voice.

She put an insulated boot on his chest, leaned in close, and said “You will give these Gnomes back their copyrights to be Dwarves.”

“That’s absolutely right!” chimed the angry crowd behind her.

“We’re tired of red hats!” “I held that wheelbarrow in one place for eight days!“ Do you know how many fish you can catch in an old woman’s backyard? NONE! That’s how many!”

“Fine, fine.” coughed the Baron. You can all be Dwarves again.”

The Gnomes cheered, throwing the aforementioned hated hats in the air.

“But mark my words.” The Baron’s voice suddenly became deep and reverberant and his eyes glowed from within in his helmet.

“My contacts with the Hunt will punish you severely.”

Dejana rolled her eyes. It was like some unseen malevolent force was trying to control her life, railroad her down a specific path as it were.

Volt Sting!” She began slapping Warner’s helmet with an electrically charged hand. “I’m sick! And tired! Of hearing about! The HUNT!”

*****

Black smoke curled up into the gray sky. The walls of the inn, and most of the buildings of Dejana’s town, were charred and broken. Sasha lay face first in the dirt, her back slashed with a terrible wound. Roaring flame and crises of anguish filled the air.

A man in black chainmail stepped over Dejana’s prone, possibly dead, friend. The bronze clasp of his red cloak was a carved symbol of a dragon’s head over-top a drawn bow. A red bladed sword, whose edges licked with flame, was drawn in his hand. He smiled in welcome. “I’ve heard about you. The one adventurer who refused to ‘see’ us. Too bad the other fools in this town did not share your wisdom.

You may live so as to tell others about what happens when you cross the Hunt.”

This snapped Dejana out of her remorseful, wretched, shock. Still pale, voice trembling she addressed the crimson cloaked man. “Normally. I’d start off with a simple spell to test your strength. Blast Gush perhaps? Then I’d go for something fitting and more powerful, Thunder Lance for instance, and finish the fight with strength to spare. But you,” her expression suddenly grew wrathful. “I’ll turn you to dust right now!”

The knight swung his blade but it was suddenly knocked aside from the shockwave of Dejana’s invocation.

Sky Father Bahamut hear me.

Sea Mother Tiamat hear me.

I call upon your love and hate between which crashes wave an thunder.

To weave forces that make even Giants tremble in fearful wonder.

Golden lightning, blue sea combine.

Power of Xalladale be mine!”

Lances of lightning crashed around the Haf-Elf as a torrential salt water rain poured down. The sorceress rose on the currents of power and suddenly electricity and water swirled around her in a great vortex. This in turn exploded outward causing currents of sea and lighting to dance along the grass and cobble stones. Standing where Dejana stood was a two story dragon construct of sapphire and gold.

“Now die!” Dejana’s voice howled like a demon as one mighty claw swooped down.

The Hunt Knight’s last words were “Oh crap.”

The Alignment Game — Neutral Good: Robin of Locksley As Seen In Most Depictions Of Him

Posted in Dungeons and Dragons, Roleplaying Games, RPG, Satire, The Alignment Game with tags on March 2, 2011 by Chall

If Robin of Locksely doesn’t ring a bell his moniker should: Robin Hood. If Robin Hood doesn’t ring a bell then I beg you to come out of the rock you’ve been raised and currently reside under, the world’s not that bad.

It's okay, you don't have to be afraid of his hat.

This man is my definition of Neutral Good.

Wait, I sense a great disturbance on the net, as if millions of gamers suddenly cried foul. I can see where they’re coming from. Heck I remember that Robin Hood was the poster boy of Chaotic Good in good old 2nd Edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons  (that’s AD&D not ADD).; Robin Hood is a thief so obviously he’s chaotic, he also fights tyranny so he’s obviously good. At first glance I agree he would be the prefect example of Chaotic Good but . . .

The Neutral Part

Robin of Locksely only became a thief because King John was being a dick.

So much so that this was in the third row of images when I googled King John.

Since the rule of law had turned into the rule of a greedy, stupid man Locksley did the only sensible thing and fought it. This is a major part of what made him famous. I doubt many would remember Locksely the Lawful who never rocked the boat. However, what we must remember is that as soon as King Richard came back Mr. Hood became Mr. Rogers, a perfect law abiding nobleman who once again took taxes from his people to support the Monarchy.

This is as best a description of Neutral as you can get. Neutral characters will bend to law or chaos in order to strengthen the other part of their alignment. Robin Hood ditched law only as long as necessary. When goodness (lets let charming fable paint over the atrocities of Richard’s Cursades) returned to the land the Bandit of Sherwood turned in his bow to protect the status quo.

The Good Part

The other thing Robin of Locksley was famous for was robbing from the rich to give to the poor. These days this would make him a left wing, pinko, commie, bleeding heart, liberal but in his day this was considered “Thank you sir, my family and I will no longer starve to death.” In fact, as popular legend tells it, he constantly risked his life for the betterment of his people. This is about as good as you get without being a saint.

In Closing

That’s my case for Robin Hood being Neutral Good rather than Chaotic Good. Most will probalby disagree, if so get your own blog. This one’s mine.

I like comments though. 🙂

The Alignment Game Introduction

Posted in Dungeons and Dragons, Philosophy, Roleplaying Games, RPG, Satire, The Alignment Game with tags on November 23, 2010 by Chall

Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Second Edition was a BIG part of my childhood. From grade school to high school it was the RPG of choice period. Some weirdos, like me, dabbled in GURPS and West End’s Star Wars but all the hard core, Salt of the Earth, gamers played AD&D or Shadowrun and that was that.

You know. . .come to think of it, I’m playing in two 3rd Ed. games and a Pathfinder Game and nothing else right now so I suppose things haven’t changed.

Huh.

Going to have to shake things up with Knights of the Hidden Sun.

Anyways. . . I’m dedicating a series of posts to this game I have loved and do love so much. I call these posts the Alignment Game.

All incarnations of D&D I’m familiar with make use of Alignments. The purpose of an Alignment is to tell the Good Guys from the Bad Guys. This is important in a game about Epic Fantasy. After all you need to know who is worthy to wield the holy sword and who will be the go-to guy of the Dark Lord Amuck. Alignments are also a handy tool for crafting pre-made adventures. It’s nice know before hand that the PCs will want to save the orphanage rather than burn it down for shits and giggles.

An Alignment places a character on a point between Law and Chaos and Good and Evil.

Lawful Characters: Respect order and follow the rules. They stand against Chaos.

Chaotic Characters: Respect change and freedom. They stand against Order.

Good Characters: Hold others as more important than themselves. They stand against Evil.

Evil Characters: Are supremely selfish. They stand against Good.

Neutral Characters: Balance these extremes.

Every D&D character has two of the above elements which means the possible Alignments are: Lawful Good, Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, Lawful Neutral, True Neutral, Chaotic Neutral, Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil, Chaotic Evil. This Alignment dictates how a character acts and how certain magics affect them. There are some spells that protect exclusively against evil characters. There are some weapons that do good characters harm. There are some places that inflict pain to chaotic types, there are others that will drive a lawful person insane.

The beautiful problem about this is there are may differing views on how alignments should work. Some say a Lawful Good character can’t jay-walk to save a damsel form getting run over by a maniticore. Others say that a True Neutral type will not pick his nose for fear of disturbing the cosmic balance. Others say a Chaotic Evil character must eat a puppy a day to be true to himself. The risk of course is if a character falls out of his Alignment his player will be teased by his friends for not being a good roleplayer and/or have his character lose a level or two due to ‘moral dilemma’.

These are serious problems but don’t worry, in this series of posts I will enlighten you with pure examples of characters from every type of Alignment. Read this and become wise. It goes without saying that my word outweighs that of even the creators of the D&D realm (Ed. Greenwood you’re not reading this are you?) for. . .

I AM CHALL!!!

 

 

Note: I am not being 100% serious for this series of posts so please don’t flame me bro.

Mon-Ey Lord of the D20 Summit

Posted in RPG, Satire on June 28, 2010 by Chall

The D20 Summit is an event where world leaders gather to invoke Mon-Ey the Invisible Hand aka the God of Commerce. By worshiping his wealthiness they hope to bring good fortune to their nations and curb his chaotic whims. The Summit was first held after Mon-Ey  turned all gold to dung on a lark. Right before the world economy went to snot he reverted currency back to its former value.  It’s hoped that annual worship by the rulers of the 20 wealthiest nations on Earth will convince Mon-Ey to stop being a dick.

Titles:

The Invisible Hand

His Wealthiness

James Cameron

Alignment

Chaotic Neutral

Portfolio

Greed

Wealth

Marketing

Reality TV

Pokemon

Worshipers

Bankers, merchants, kings. . . who am I kidding? Everyone worships him.

Cleric Alignments

Any, Mon-Ey doesn’t care.

Domains

Artifice, Chaos, Law, Luck, Madness, Travel, Trickster, James Cameron

Favored Weapon

Litigation

History

Mon-Ey became a god when he convinced Lord Id Iot to trade his divinity for a button. Seeing how well that worked he’s been getting sentients to value gold over food ever since.

When no one’s looking he eats the food.

Relationships

Mon-Ey is strongly opposed to the goddess Truth, she always ruins his fun.

Jeniva also cheeses him off.

He’s got a fine working relationship with Moloch. He has been known to hang with both Liberty and Slavery on equal measure.

Appearance and Emissaries

He’s an invisible hand, you can’t see him.

Montgomery Burns is his high priest.

Richie Rich is his only son, well at least officially.

Strangely James Cameron is not an avatar of Mon-Ey, the god simply likes his movies so makes sure they earn a lot of gold.

Servants

Humanity in general.

Church of Mon-Ey

The Invisible Hand is worshiped in many ways all over the world. One of the D20 Summit’s goals is to codify this worship so as to hopefully make their god less chaotic. So far that hasn’t worked.

Mon-Ey has little ATM shrines scattered across the world. Those who work hard pray there to get cash. Those who trick those who work hard pray there to get a lot of cash.

Holy Texts

Anything by Ayn Rand. Also, Twilight.